Last week I received a very important collaborative letter from Oprah, that guy who own Virgin, some dude who started Starbucks (thank you I love your iced grande chai with soy even if it is GMO I can't stop) the head of Canada and all the heads of all the tech companies who are in charge of all the stuff you use on your smart phone. You know, the modern day Knights of the Round Table. Oh yeah, that lady from Wal-Mart too but there's always that one person. Anyway, these most important people wrote to tell me that they recognize my utter genius and heard that I have what some might call “pet peeves”. Those things that you will just never understand in life. Those things that other people do that you think are so preposterous you are literally driven to the point of Nicholson in The Shining. The root of all evil is people NOT paying attention. Gawd, just thinking about this topic makes me see twins at the end of the hall with drippy blood walls. This team of ever powerful, decided that my pet peeves are the best (duh) and on my birthday, my little 'ol birfday, the following list of things will be deemed as universally illegal and punishable by whatever I decide appropriate which I’ve yet to decide. I have a few ideas how to make offenders pay for their assault on society. Believe me, I fully understand and embrace the power I've been given and I’ll use my bloated importance for the good of all. Don't worry, I got your back. Unless you're acting like an inconsiderate jerk. Then I'll get you. I'LL GET YOU REAL GOOD (shaking fist in the air)!
1. Single File Please.
And by single file I mean please get THE FUCK out of the way (vein just busted in my temples). When you walk down the sidewalk enjoying the company of your friends or coworkers, it’s very important to remember that sidewalks are not the size of the Utah salt flats. No. No they are not. Sometimes, you may need to shimmy your ass to one side to, and here comes the hard part, make room for other people. I know that your conversations may contain very urgent content like which way to hang the toilet paper in the bathroom, but sharing is caring. Please hoarder of the sidewalk, make room for others. Thank you.
2. Monkey on Your Back.
Taking the bus in any city can be a real pleasure (insert fart sound). It’s especially fun when people wear really nasty perfume or cologne. I know they feel all pretty but dang, so much for the nose knows. Stink bombs aren’t even the worst offense. We all should be more concerned with one of the most dangerous bus riding characters—the backpack wearer. This incredibly devious individual can be seen swirling like a dervish on a crowded bus taking down every person in his/her 360 degree circumference (radius? ugh, geometry). Here’s how a real Downton Abbey style lady or gentleman does it; either be aware that you pretty much have another person attached to your back and proceed with caution doing your best Keanu in The Matrix moves as other riders maneuver to secure a coveted spot on the bus or, and here is a really novel idea—take. it. off. Do you think the granny in the first few seat appreciates having to ride defensively with her granny paws up like a boxer facing Tyson in his prime? Poor granny. Poor all of us. We’re glad you’ve made the switch from a saddle bag to a backpack so your body doesn’t go crooked but seriously. SERIOUSLY. Please backpack bus person, watch yourself. Thank you. Please take this complimentary brochure on bus etiquette.
3. No Please, I Insist.
This one baffles me. What is more interesting than a one-sided conversation? To some people, apparently nothing. I love to meet someone for the first time especially when it’s, for example, the new significant other of a good friend. I can’t wait to really get to know them and have a great chat. My internal alarm tends to go off when after, I don’t know say one hour, I suddenly realize that the whole conversation has been like Merv Griffin interviewing Joan Rivers. I love love love to listen to people. I really do. It’s a thing. I’m a listener. Hell, I’m practically a professional listener. But there comes a time in the back and forth that is called conversation when it feels kinda nice to be asked something. It shows, oh I don’t know, that you care and that you have a certain level of self-awareness and how others receive you. The real heart shaped box of chocolates with a ribbon is when the self-lovers take a millisecond and allow you to speak only to interrupt you and/or talk over your well-paced, thoughtful responses. Please remember that you’re not as interesting as you think. It’s more fun when two people are in a conversation together. Thank you.
4. The Text Walking Dead.
YOU. ARGH! OMG. I’m gonna freak. I kinda hope you walk into a tree. Look, I get it. It’s a whole new world out there thanks to Silicon Valley. We’re connected and over connected. In the know and in over our heads. But there has to be a limit people. Since when did it become okay to walk down city streets and not look where you’re going? I know, your evil boss needs you to order the company logo on chocolates for the big meeting and I know my precious little ones that if you don’t comment NOW on your cousins photo you might lose the comedic effect (affect? ugh, I’ll never remember) but it’s just not safe to walk into traffic without being fully aware. It’s not safe because you’re making people so nuts that you just might get the slapped for being a moron. Please, text walkers, I beg you, just wait. It’s just not that important. Unless it’s brief because you need to fast forward through a bad song on Spotify. Bad songs always require immediate attention. Thank you.
5. Hello.
I don’t mind walking into a large retail store and going completely unnoticed. I’m an educated shopper. I don’t need you to ask me 10x how I’m doing. I see you. I know how this works. Are you on commission? Don’t worry, I’ll hook it up at the register. However, when I walk into a small independent boutique and I’m a bit excited about the shoppe I get a lil’ giddy like a school girl. And then you let me down. You don’t even look up from your whatever you’re looking at. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your groove. Would you prefer I don’t support local business? Are you apathetic? Miserable? Angry at the world? That’s super cool hella rad and all but really, small shoppes need all the help they can get. If you’re a dick, I’m super stoked to show you my ass while I do my best hair flip eye roll right out the door. My attitude looks better on me than your overpriced shit anyway. Please dearest shoppe keeper, if you do anything on your daily list at least give a friendly hello to potential customers who might give you money. We don’t have to be besties and braid each other’s hair. But a little interaction is actually way more fun than scrubbing the toilet anyway and it’s grade school Marketing 101. Plus, your paycheck will thank you.
6. (Grunt) (Sheesh) (What the) (GAWD)
People who moan and groan in lines. You can’t change reality. Pull out some Madlibs, sudoku, Clumsy Ninja or something. You can even hold my hand. We can do this.
7. I Hear You.
Ohhhhh Lord this is one of my favorites. What? Huh? Oh actually, I hear you loud and clear because you’re YELLING at me. I’m standing next to you in a small quiet room and you are talking like I’m on the other side of a wall. I know you may not have been heard as a child. Maybe you’re the youngest of 10 and no one gave a crap about what you wanted on the pizza so you have to be really loud. If that’s the case, it’s time to realize that pizza is awesome no matter what the toppings so quit it. You’re fully excused if you’re hearing challenged. You have many opportunities to bring it down a notch, permanently, like when people wince and take one step back from you during your weekend recaps or dramatic updates about the difficulty of creating truly flavor balanced Indian dishes. It’s not more interesting the louder you say it. This brings me to the flip side of the loud talker—mumblestiltskin. You know them. You can never hear them. The low talkers. The mumblers. You think maybe you’re crazy the first few times with these folks. Maybe it’s wax build up? Unfamiliar dialect? Enlarged tongue? Turns out no one else can hear them either and everybody has told them in various scenarios but one thing remains the same. They just can’t seem to speak up. “What?” and “Huh?” aren’t the most glamorous of words to drop continuously in conversation with a new, unfamiliar or favorite low talker but they must really love to watch us scrunch our noses and furl our brows as we attempt to translate the subtle tones of their whispers. It’s especially difficult when you actually like the low talker/mumblestiltskin. Please, tiny talkers of the universe, whisper in the ear of you pet gerbil because they probably don’t speak English. You are loved and you are really annoying. Thank you.
So my dear perpetrators, these are the new rules. Study them. Learn them. I’m coming for you. The owners of the world said so. I promise to try and not judge you. I simply want the world to be as efficient and pleasant as possible and that begins by us all being a little more aware of each other. We’re sharing space up on this turning ball of water and dirt. Let’s remember that. Damn, I shoulda added one about comfort zone invaders and people unaware of their un-fragrant body scents. Now it’s sounding like Seinfeld. Cue the theme song.