I was born on May 21, 1974 to in a small town in Pennsylvania. I lived in the same house for 21 years. I have a sister Lorraine, 10 years older than me, who is married to Brian and a niece, Sara who recently graduated from college and a nephew Joshua who is a few years older than Sara. I live with Paul in downtown San Francisco in the Tenderloin. Paul and I will celebrate our 5 years anniversary in July. We met on OK Cupid about 8 months after I moved to SF. We live together with Kiki and Don, a pair of cats who are a lot like kids. It’s funny to write out your life like that, summarizing your family in a few short lines. Some people need more lines, some less. This is my story. There are so many other players in the production, so many subtleties, so much that can’t be captured in 21 days of short entries. Well, 12 entries to be exact but who’s counting.
Today, the day after my birthday in Las Vegas in a bathtub with bubbles, I heard a whisper in my ear. More like a whisper in my mind. No, it wasn’t the many voices of my own personal Sybil. I don’t have a name for this character. Maybe I should. I hear this whisper every so often and I always listen carefully. I don’t always take heed immediately. Sometimes the whisper changes to a shout or even a scream as time goes by if it’s something I’m really needing to get or if I’m not receiving the lesson in the message. At that point it’s not a voice, it’s an action or a situation, an experience. But today it was the voice that whispered. What are you waiting for?
Good question, I thought to myself. What the hell am I waiting for? Interestingly, I’ve heard this message before. It’s always on the verge of something. A little nudge from the Universe (you may refer to this as Spirit, God, Energy, etc.) that says it’s time to turn intention into action. The action is the sweet spot. Thinking about it is like a small, single piece of candy but doing it is being delivered the entire cheesecake. The whisper was followed by a sensation, a felt reminder that life is short. It’s really short. Oh shit! Life is short what am I doing or not doing! We get stuck a lot and often, for many people, it’s over before we know it. So what the hell am I waiting for?
Why am I waiting to finish my two books? Why am I waiting to plan the next adventure? Why am I not facing more fears? Why am I waiting to take all the visions out of my head and turn them into reality? What good will they be when I’m dead? Why am I doubting myself? Why haven’t I picked up the phone and reached out? Oh, not enough money? Why am I waiting to figure out how to make more to get what I want (let’s face it folks, money can make shit happen but it’s the intention that infuses it with dirtiness versus magic)? Oh, not good enough? Everyone else is better, more qualified, has a bigger network, has better skin, more manageable hair and straighter teeth? What am I waiting for?
I declare that I’m leaving the not-good-enough stage of my life and making my way into the just right phase. It’s the time where I whole heartedly embrace the short time I have in life, here on this planet, in this town. I declare to create a legacy that supports my own needs and the needs of others through action and inspiration rooted in spirit, one that recognizes my relationship with self and with others as equal. I declare that when the inevitable blues, depression, self-doubt, self-criticism, self-loathing creep into my life that I will face them with grace, inviting them in to sit and sip on tea. I won’t be afraid of them. I’ll simply listen. Every visitor brings a lesson.
I declare that this second half of my life will be paved with more joy and happiness than ever before. That’s more than a declaration, it’s a decision. I’ve decided to up the game. I’m challenging myself to get into bed smiling more nights than not. To look back on most days and exhale, “Lord have mercy now that was a good day, I’m grateful.” To let go of what’s done. To know when it’s done. I’m challenging myself to figure out what works for me and not be ashamed of it, not be concerned with how it compares to anyone else. No one else. I’m challenging myself to be a better editor for my life. To get to the heart of all matters and spend less time on the surface. I’m challenging myself to rise up to what gets in the way with confidence and creativity as my fuel. And if the occasional eye-roll and hair-toss (you always need to know your audience) are needed to get the job done…BRING IT. Cause you know what? I’m done waiting and I don’t do lines.
What are you waiting for?
Please Note: Las Vegas got in the way of writing for the last few days. I had a blast with Paul exploring a new city, part two of my birthday celebration. I ate delicious food, watched topless showgirls, took selfies, put together outfits, applauded drag queens, laid in bed and watched tv, went to the Hoover Dam and more. I wanted to wait until the inspiration hit me to write the final post so this is a combination of writing from two days. Thank you for reading my little experiment. I hope it’s not the last. Please leave a comment below and say hello so I know you’ve been reading. For a writer, it’s exciting to know that even one pair of eyes have fallen on words. With Gratitude, Erik.